Here’s the One Mindset That Can Ruin a Relationship, According to Psychology
Relationships are often celebrated as spaces of care, understanding, and mutual support. Yet, a subtle mindset can quietly undermine even the strongest partnerships: scorekeeping. This tendency, where partners tally up favors, effort, or attention, is more common than many realize. While striving for fairness seems reasonable, research indicates that keeping mental tabs can harm the very connection it aims to balance.
A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin examined this phenomenon in depth. Lead author Haeyoung Gideon Park highlighted a growing concern: modern romance is increasingly transactional, with emotional connection sometimes taking a backseat to calculated give-and-take.
To explore the impact of this mindset, Park and the research team tracked over 7,000 couples for 13 years, conducting up to seven surveys per couple.
Communal vs. Exchange Relationships

Freepik | Communal relationships flourish on freely given support and care.
The study differentiated between two approaches to relationships.
In communal partnerships, generosity is the norm. A partner might cook, lend a hand, or run an errand simply out of care, not with the expectation of something in return.
Exchange-oriented partnerships, however, function differently. Contributions are tracked, recognition is expected, and there’s an underlying sense of keeping the balance sheet even. Affection and effort become part of a running tally.
These modes of relating aren’t set in stone. Depending on context—life changes, stress, or individual differences—couples may slip between them. The research centered on how a strong exchange orientation shapes relationship satisfaction over time.
The Long-Term Impact of Scorekeeping
Results consistently showed that scorekeeping predicts decreased relationship satisfaction. Even two years after an exchange-oriented mindset emerged, affected couples reported lower overall happiness. Interestingly, the negative effect occurred regardless of whether both partners engaged in scorekeeping. If one partner maintained a tally of contributions, satisfaction declined for both.
The research also clarified directionality. Dissatisfaction did not lead individuals to keep score; instead, scorekeeping itself was an independent factor contributing to tension and unhappiness.
In practical terms, pointing out small imbalances—such as who cleaned the kitchen or earned more in a given month—can transform otherwise affectionate interactions into subtle competitions. Over time, these small moments accumulate, leading to exhaustion and resentment.
Maturity Reduces Exchange Orientation

Freepik | As couples mature, they learn to give freely, realizing love isn’t a transaction.
There is a silver lining. The study found that as relationships mature, most couples naturally reduce their exchange tendencies. With time, partners learn that love functions best without constant accounting. Acts of kindness and support are increasingly performed freely, without expecting recognition.
However, some partners struggle to shed the habit of scorekeeping. Persistent focus on fairness and repayment can maintain dissatisfaction, even in otherwise strong relationships. For these individuals, the stress of constant comparison erodes generosity, spontaneity, and intimacy. When interventions or mindset shifts occur later, some relational damage may have already accumulated, making it harder to restore warmth and trust.
Supporting Healthy Relationships
To foster a resilient and fulfilling partnership:
- Give freely, without expecting something in return.
- Acknowledge your partner’s efforts with genuine appreciation instead of measuring them.
- Talk openly about your needs rather than assuming things should feel “fair” on their own.
- Accept that small imbalances happen and don’t define the whole relationship.
Releasing the habit of scorekeeping opens the door to more authentic closeness. Partners who contribute without tracking every favor build trust and gratitude, not resentment. Studies consistently find that when relationships turn into ledgers, satisfaction fades—but when care is given simply because it matters, the bond grows stronger.